From "Not Enough" to "Brave Enough": Breaking Free from the Perfectionism Trap

That hot flush creeping up your neck…

That tightness in your chest…

That knot in your stomach along with the feeling of wanting to crawl under something so no one can see you…

Someone pointed out a mistake you made.

And now what are you feeling?

Shame.

I remember auditioning for a touring singing group in my early 20s. Singing was my passion, my heart. I'd made it through the entire application process with flying colors. 

Then came the crushing blow—they said the one condition for being in the group was that I lose weight.(It was the ‘70’s and they their standard defined a "good role model" as extra lean and fit. They were very serious about that.)

Shame flooded over me. 

My cheeks burned hot, my chest tightened, and I felt small, exposed. 

In that moment, I wasn't being judged on my talent or character, but on my appearance. The message was clear: I wasn't enough as I was. 

Rather than face that feeling again, I withdrew my application—abandoning a dream rather than risking further judgment.

That day planted a powerful message: mistakes equal shame, and shame feels unbearable.

I was falling into the "perfectionism trap". Ever been there? 

That visceral sensation when your work was criticized,  when you spoke up in a meeting and were dismissed, or when your creative offering wasn't received the way you hoped and imagined.

Here's what we human beings do when things like this happen: That feeling is so painful that many of us unconsciously build our lives around never experiencing it again.

And that's where perfectionism is born.

The Perfectionism Trap: More Than Just High Standards

As I write in Brave Enough to Be Yourself, "Perfectionism isn't about high standards—it's about creating armor against the piercing arrows of shame. But that same armor that protects you also prevents the world from experiencing the beauty of your authentic gifts."

This perfectionism shows up in surprisingly subtle ways:

• The project forever "in progress" because it's never quite ready

• The creative expression kept private because "it's not good enough yet"

• The business idea perpetually in "research phase"

• The course you've taken three times but haven't implemented

• The book perpetually stuck in editing mode

• The launch delayed because "one more tweak" is needed

What I've discovered along my journey is that perfectionism isn't actually about being perfect. 

It's about trying to outrun that feeling of shame. It's fear in disguise, whispering that if you can just be flawless, you'll never have to feel that awful sensation again.

But there’s a cost here. A sad and unneeded cost that should never happen.

…Your most meaningful work never sees the light of day.

…Your unique voice gets filtered until it sounds like everyone else.

…Your boldest ideas get watered down until they're "safe".

…Your growth gets stunted because you won't try anything you can't immediately excel at.

Your "Strange Jewels": The Paradox of Imperfection

What if the very qualities you're trying to hide because you’re running from “shame” are actually your greatest gifts?

I spent years trying to hide what I perceived as flaws—my emotional sensitivity, my unconventional thinking patterns, my struggles with body image. 

I was convinced these were weaknesses to overcome. When I compared them to other people I thought had it all together, they seemed to make me “less than” they were.

But if I stop and look - really look - these are my strengths to embrace.

These things about me are like "strange jewels" waiting to be discovered buried beneath layers of shame. 

Consider this: What makes your favorite creators memorable isn't their perfection—it's their humanity, their unique perspective, their willingness to share their journey, imperfections and all.

"Your 'flaws' aren't accidents to be fixed—they're breadcrumbs leading you to your purpose," as I write in Brave Enough To Be Myself.

Three Steps to Move from "Not Enough" to "Brave Enough"

Step 1: Meet Your Fear (Hello, Fred!)

I've learned to see my fear not as an enemy, but as a well-meaning friend trying to protect me—I call mine Fred! 

Fred isn't trying to sabotage me; he's trying to keep me safe.

The problem is, Fred can't tell the difference between actual danger and simply stepping outside my comfort zone.

Courage Practice: Next time you feel fear holding you back, name it. 

Say hello to your own version of Fred. "I see you there, trying to protect me. Thank you for caring. But this isn't dangerous—it's just new."

Try journaling about what your fear is actually afraid of. Is it rejection? Judgment? Failure?

Getting specific helps you respond with compassion rather than frustration.

Step 2: Embrace Who You Truly Are

I remember standing across from someone very close to me as he berated me for not meeting his expectations. 

For years, I'd tried to contort myself into who he wanted me to be. To avoid feeling as if I wasn’t enough and that, if I just could be, he would feel loved - and love me.

But that day was different. I was learning that not being “perfect”, as he defined it, didn’t make me more qualified to be respected or cherished.

So, I felt my feet firmly on the ground, looked him in the eye, and said he was never to speak to me like that again.

That moment of standing up for myself—of saying "this is who I am - and it’s ok"—was one of the bravest acts of my life.

Your path to bravery begins with accepting yourself, perceived flaws and all.

Courage Practice:Take out a piece of paper and create two columns. In the left column, write down three traits you've always seen as weaknesses or flaws. In the right column, reframe each as a potential strength.

For example:

• "Too sensitive" → "Deeply empathetic and intuitive"

• "Overthinking everything" → "Thoughtful and thorough"

• "Always questioning" → "Naturally curious and growth-oriented"

Now ask yourself: How might these "strange jewels" actually serve your work or relationships when embraced rather than hidden?

Step 3: Take Tiny Brave Steps

Courage isn't about becoming fearless—it's about taking action despite the fear. 

I learned this vividly when I went ziplining despite my terror of heights. Every platform, I wanted to quit. But I couldn't - there was no way down. 

I had to keep going forward. 

When we finally came down, I was ecstatic. What a feeling -  I had done it!

The key is not trying to take giant leaps, but tiny brave steps—actions small enough that you can do them even while afraid.

"The world doesn't need your perfection. It needs your courage to share your unique gifts, even while your hands are still shaking."  Brave Enough To Be Myself

Courage Practice: Choose one creative project you've been avoiding or endlessly polishing.

What's one tiny brave step you could take today? Perhaps:

• Declare it “done not perfect”

• Share the “80% ready” draft with a trusted friend

• Set a firm deadline for completion (ask someone to hold you accountable)

• Release a "beta" version to a small audience

• Decide which parts must be excellent and which can be simply "good enough"

Now take that step today—not tomorrow, not when you feel ready, but today.

What If You Stopped Waiting Until You're "Good Enough"?

What would change if you decided that who you are right now is already enough to begin?

I think of the years I spent believing I wasn't qualified enough, polished enough, or confident enough to coach others.

All that time, I had experiences and insights that could have helped people—gifts kept hidden because of my perfectionism.

When I finally started taking tiny brave steps—offering small workshops, sharing my own journey of growth, being vulnerable about my struggles—something magical happened. 

The very imperfections I thought would make people reject me became the bridges that connected us.

"Your courage to be imperfect gives others permission to embrace their own humanity. Your willingness to try despite fear inspires others to take their own brave steps."  Brave Enough To Be Myself

Your best work—your most adventurous, meaningful, impactful work—isn't waiting for you to become perfect. It's waiting for you to become brave enough to share it now, exactly as it is.

Your Next Brave Step

Are you ready to trade perfectionism for courage? To move from "not enough" to "brave enough"?

Sign up for my Choose Courage emails where every week you'll receive specialized insights into how to take back control and become the boss of your fear. 

Each email includes practical courage exercises, stories from others on this journey, and reminders that you're braver than you think.

Because the world doesn't need your perfection.

It needs your courage.

It needs your strange jewels.

It needs your voice, exactly as it is right now.

And that means the world needs you to be brave enough to share your gifts before they feel "ready."

Are you ready to choose courage today?  Choose courage!